My Twelve Years of Boating
to be sung loudly, late at night, to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas

In my first year as a boatman my outfitter said to me
   ~ Get your boat to Pierce's Ferry.

In my second year as boatman my outfitter said to me
   ~ You need a knife and pliers,
   ~ and get your boat to Pierce's Ferry.

In my third year as a boatman the Park Service said to me
   ~ Get a first aid card
   ~ and a knife and pliers,
   ~ and get your boat to Pierce's Ferry.

In my fourth year as a boatman the Park Service said to me
   ~ Get your CPR
   ~ and first aid,
   ~ pliers and a knife,
   ~ and get your boat to Pierce's Ferry.

In my fifth year as a boatman the Park Service said to me
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR
   ~ and first aid;
   ~ pliers and a knife,
   ~ and get your boat to Pierce's Ferry

In my sixth year as a boatman the Park Service said to me
   ~ You must have a license,
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR
   ~ advanced first aid,
   ~ and sheathe your filthy knife,
   ~ and get your boat to Pierce's Ferry.

In my seventh year as boatman the Park Service said to me
   ~ No more cooking fires!
   ~ You must have a license!
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR
   ~ advanced first aid,
   ~ and sheathe your filthy knife,
   ~ in a mad rush to Pierce's Ferry.

In my eighth year as a boatman my outfitter made me sign
   ~ an antidrug disclaimer!
   ~ No beer while boating!
   ~ You must have a license!
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR,
   ~ advanced first aid,
   ~ and sheathe your filthy knife,
   ~ in a mad rush to Pierce's Ferry.

In my ninth year as a boatman my outfitter made me sign
   ~ a right to work agreement,
   ~ antidrug disclaimers!
   ~ No beer while boating!
   ~ You must have a license!
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR,
   ~ advanced first aid,
   ~ and sheathe your filthy knife,
   ~ in a mad rush to Pierce's Ferry.

In my tenth year as...river guide the Park Service said to me
   ~ Tarps under tables!
   ~ Right to work agreements,
   ~ antidrug disclaimers,
   ~ No beer while boating!
   ~ You must have a license!
   ~ CRAP IN A BAG!
   ~ Get your CPR,
   ~ Responding to Emergencies,
   ~ just like a Disney ride,
   ~ and be sure you spell it Pearce Ferry.

My eleventh year as a river guide the Park Service said to me,
   ~ No flaming produce,
   ~ tarps under the tables,
   ~ all new folks at Phantom,
   ~ dead from heat prostration,
   ~ all new folks at Whitmore,
   ~ choppered in from Vegas,
   ~ DON'T CRAP IN BAGS!
   ~ Get your CPR,
   ~ Emergency Response card,
   ~ just like a Disney ride,
   ~ and be sure to call it Pearce Ferry!

In my last year as a river guide the Coast Guard said to me:
   ~ We'll give you a test now,
   ~ wear a Mae West jacket,
   ~ special certifications,
   ~ buoyancy inspections,
   ~ food handlers permits,
   ~ sewage transport license,
   ~ politically correct behavior,
   ~ master guide diploma,
   ~ gourmet lobster dinners,
   ~ month-long first aid courses,
   ~ latex gloves and hairnets,
   ~ clorox filtered water,
   ~ no risk whatsoever
   ~ PEE IN A CUP!
   ~ Closed for hiking now,
   ~ assigned campsites,
   ~ gammaglobulin...

And now I work in southern Chile.